I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
