I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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