is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
