My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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