Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
