I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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