i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
