I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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