I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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