DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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