we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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