I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
