I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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