Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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