They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
