I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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