bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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