I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
