Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
