Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
