around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
