I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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