I think im going to throw up on grandma
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
