I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
