wakey wakey hands off snakey
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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