Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
