Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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