I think im going to throw up on grandma
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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