there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
That was before I lit my hair on fire
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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