My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
