I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
