are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
