She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
