you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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