never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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