My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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