The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
