mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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