This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
