Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
