In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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