Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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