at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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