help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
