dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
