It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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