You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
