i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
