he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
