Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
