I'm so fucking centered right now
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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